What's Love Got To Do With It Anyway?!!

“Never marry someone you wouldn’t want to be divorced from!”

I read that in a meme on Facebook a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t agree with it more. As the issue of same sex marriage stays front and center in the national dialogue, I can’t help but reflect on the dysfunctional, and ultimate dissolution of a marriage of a very close person in my life. We all fall in and out of love for various reasons, and no two people are the same. However, I would like to think that even when we fall out of love, or decide to end a relationship, we keep an eye on the reason we fell in love, or chose to be in a relationship with that person in the first place.

My partner had a very dysfunctional marriage before he and I met. I will not delve into details, mainly because I was not part of his life until the last few months of his marriage. The reason their marriage failed is their own. However, how they chose to honor, or dishonor the life they spent together was, and still is, very public, and heartbreaking. Reading communications by my partner’s ex in the early stages of their separation where he called him names, wished he (and I) "get AIDS and die", and attempted to drive a wedge between him and his own mother not only makes me incredibly angry, but also makes me incredibly sad.

I've always thought of myself as the practical one; the pragmatist; the rock; the wall against which my partner can lean; and for all intents and purposes, I am (if I may say so myself). However, when I heard of the lies, and vile words my ex's partner used to describe my partner while out in the bars amongst people who are still common friends, acquaintances, and family, I felt an unexpected, and overwhelming sense of sadness and anger. How can someone claim to have loved a person, turn around and show such evil and remorseless aggression towards him?

I am not, of course, a neutral party or observer in this case. However, I only have my own experiences of my own breakup from my then boyfriend of nine years to compare this to. He did not want to break up, but I did. He loved me, and I loved him. However, I decided that I wanted more in my partner than he was willing and able to offer. We were also in an open relationship, and I was in a stage of my life where I craved a monogamous sexual and emotional partnership. We shared and owned a condo, shared furniture, and three dogs. Yes, the breakup was painful, and yes, we both spent long nights crying, depressed, and mourning the end of our relationship. However, because we respected, loved one another, and wanted to honor the life we had together, we worked together on an amicable breakup, while still living with each other. We still live together, he in his own bedroom, and me and my partner in ours. The three of us share chores, watch TV together sometimes, love our three dogs, and playfully pick on each other sometimes—although my partner and I probably pick on my ex a lot more about his endless stream of hookups coming in and out of his bedroom.

My point is, because there was love there, we made the break up work. I look at my partner’s ex, and I can tell there is no love there, and I honestly doubt that there ever was...well, at least not for my partner! While I can't claim to know the ex that well (or at all really), and I can't speak to how he was three, five, or ten years ago, I know from my interactions with him that he loves himself, and manipulates others around him to serve his own best interest, especially monetarily. He lies, cheats, and defames others around him so he can con himself into social circles he doesn’t belong to.

From the day my partner left him, and to this day, he continues to spread lies about us, defame us in public to friends and acquaintances, and attempts to poison my partner's parents against us. He has spent the last two years financially mooching off my partner in what I believe was an unjust divorce settlement that preyed on my partner's honest nature, and sense of guilt for asking to end the marriage. There were days when my partner literally did not have two pennies to rub together because he had enormous debt from the divorce, while his ex traveled to Vegas and Mexico for vacation; all the while asking my partner for more and more money. When my partner finally decided to take positive steps to rebuild his finances responsibly, his ex relaunched into vile, venomous attacks that speak only to his deceitful and connivingly evil nature.

Anyway, I digress! Yes, divorces can be ugly, and not everyone is as lucky as I was with my breakup. However, if the relationship/marriage was honest, and built on mutual love and respect, then the separation/divorce should also be grounded in the sincere desire to move on amicably and respectfully.

As the Supreme Court considers arguments against DOMA, and eventually overturns it (at least that's the hope); and as thousands of same-sex couples rush to tie the knot; I hope they take a pause and reflect on their partners, their relationships, and why they want to get married? Is it because of love? Or is it for show and to make a flashy social or political statement?

Whichever it is, I hope their partnership lasts a lifetime. But, if it does not, then I hope they can sincerely and respectfully separate, while wishing each other the best. That, and that they each have great divorce lawyers!