STUFF!!

We are obsessed with STUFF!

I've been wrestling with  how to write this post without coming across all preachy, but there is no other way to do it. As a society, we place so much emphasis and importance on the accumulation of material things, and surrounding ourselves with stuff. Some of us want to make sure the people around us know we have stuff, and lots of it. Some others place so much importance on the stuff they accumulate, so much so that their self-worth is dependent on it.

When I was in 2^nd or 3^rd grade, my parents gave me a meager allowance every week to cover any snack purchases I wanted to buy at school. I  remember being disheartened that my allowance was so much less than my friends’, who had double, triple, or even quadruple the amount I got. My parents thought the amount was perfectly reasonable. After all, what would a 2^nd or 3^rd grader need with more money? I had a packed lunch, and I was going to school, not shopping at the mall.

Growing up, I went to private schools. In Egypt if you want any semblance of a decent education, and your parents could afford it, you had to go to a private school. Public schools were for people that lived several stories below the poverty line, and had no other alternatives. My family did not come from money. My mother and father both worked hard for a living, and were the product of fathers (their mothers did not work) who also worked hard for a living. My father eventually started his own business, and financed it all from his hard earned income. We lived in a two bedroom apartment, and I shared a bedroom with my sister until I was 13 years old. They worked hard, and invested in my, and my sister’s education. My parents never bought a lot of stuff. We had good furniture, working cars, and nice clothes. We lived within our means.

After I graduated high school, I was privileged enough to attend a private American university. I lived with my parents (the majority of Egyptians do that until they get married…and some even afterwards), and I drove my mother’s old car (1985 model Peugeot). The school I attended was full of rich kids, and we often referred to it as Cairo 90210. It was easy to feel inferior, or like I did not belong because I did not have designer jeans, or the latest fashions from Europe or the States, and I did not drive a BMW. I remember catching a ride with a friend one day, and he was babbling on about “not being proud of his car”. It was a latest model something or other, with leather seats, and a working A/C. His mother was on staff at the university, so he did not pay any tuition, and for the most part he was a mediocre student. I wanted to punch him in the face!!

My father did not (and probably still does not) believe in credit. He never owned a credit card, and always paid everything in cash. If he did not have the cash, that means he could not afford something, and therefore did not buy it. He paid for our house in cash, bought his car in cash, and paid for my education in cash. I still remember him sending me to school every semester with a bag full of cash to pay my tuition.

When I moved to the United States, I had the fortune of having a loving adopted/surrogate family that took me in, and help me in establishing my life here. They are/were good people, and firmly believe, as do I, in pulling one’s self up by one’s bootstraps, and working hard to get ahead in life. My first job in the States (a year out of college with a B.A. in political science from the top American university in Egypt) was as the night shift clerk at a White Hen Pantry (now 7-11). I made $7 an hour, and spent my nights mopping the floors, and stocking the fridge. I eventually learned to slice deli meat, and progressed to $7.50 an hour. I financed my first car (a 1995 Mercury Sable), and eventually found jobs further away than walking distance.

I've lived here now for 12 years, and my biggest debt is my mortgage and my student loans from graduate school. I acquiesced to getting a credit card in 2006 so I can establish revolving credit in order to qualify for a mortgage, and have never charged anything that I could not pay off in a couple of months at most.  I make a conscious choice on a daily basis to live within my means, and set goals for myself to save in order to afford the things that I currently cannot.

I know I sound like a goodie-two-shoes, and I know I have been very lucky in my life. But,  It is because of my history that I fail to understand people that live beyond their means, and borrow, beg, and yes even steal (or defraud and embezzle) in order to accumulate mountains of stuff for the soul purpose of impressing the people around them. There is a culture of consumerism in this country that makes people go crazy over accumulating material things for no other reason but to gain some kind of fictitious status in their community, or a misguided belief that more stuff equals higher self-worth.

My partner is currently going through a Chapter 13 bankruptcy following the dissolution of his previous marriage. As with any divorce, both parties must agree to the division of their property. Unfortunately for my partner, the “property” from this divorce ended up being nothing but debt.  His share was a mortgage that was under water due to the declining value of the house, and numerous other debts that were solely in his ex-husband’s name as a result of borrowing from a retirement plan, or paying for their lavish over the top wedding. In going through the divorce, and a couple of years later through the bankruptcy, I got a first had glimpse at the extent of the funny money that was going around to finance a lavish lifestyle that was nothing but smoke and mirrors. Borrow from A, to buy B; then sell B to buy C; rent out A, to pay for living in D; and then sell C, to buy E; and while we’re at it, let’s borrow from any family member that would give us money so we can go on trips, buy boats, or cars, or clothes or what-have-you.

Did any of this stuff make them happier? Obviously not! Did any of this stuff matter to their life together? I would say it was probably one of the reasons their relationship collapsed. In the end, there were days when my partner literally did not have two pennies to rub together,  and there were days when he could not even afford to buy himself lunch. A decade of accumulating stuff, and just buying things resulted in enormous debt that could likely force him to pay half of his income for the next 5 years to pay off. Debt that was accumulated by his ex-husband, but is now his cross to bear.

My partner is so much happier without all this stuff that he did not need. Ask him what he enjoys, and he will tell you a good book, listening to vinyl records, opera, watching movies, and eating popcorn. He is at his happiest and most joyful when he is frolicking in the ocean, chasing waves, and bathing in the sun. And I am at my happiest when I’m watching him laughing joyously while swimming in the ocean, and cuddling him in our bed before we both fall asleep in each other’s arms.

We don’t need stuff! All this clutter and endless desire for things and money has made people forget what is important in life. When you are on your deathbed and taking your last breath of air, you won’t have your stuff or money with you. No!! You will have nothing but your memories flashing in the final seconds before you cross over.  Do you want these to be memories of time spent buying things, or pretending to be wealthy, or showing off your material wealth (real or fake) to the people around you? Or do you want these last fleeting memories to be of love, joy, and happiness surrounded by people who truly love you?

I know what I would choose! 

What's Love Got To Do With It Anyway?!!

“Never marry someone you wouldn’t want to be divorced from!”

I read that in a meme on Facebook a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t agree with it more. As the issue of same sex marriage stays front and center in the national dialogue, I can’t help but reflect on the dysfunctional, and ultimate dissolution of a marriage of a very close person in my life. We all fall in and out of love for various reasons, and no two people are the same. However, I would like to think that even when we fall out of love, or decide to end a relationship, we keep an eye on the reason we fell in love, or chose to be in a relationship with that person in the first place.

My partner had a very dysfunctional marriage before he and I met. I will not delve into details, mainly because I was not part of his life until the last few months of his marriage. The reason their marriage failed is their own. However, how they chose to honor, or dishonor the life they spent together was, and still is, very public, and heartbreaking. Reading communications by my partner’s ex in the early stages of their separation where he called him names, wished he (and I) "get AIDS and die", and attempted to drive a wedge between him and his own mother not only makes me incredibly angry, but also makes me incredibly sad.

I've always thought of myself as the practical one; the pragmatist; the rock; the wall against which my partner can lean; and for all intents and purposes, I am (if I may say so myself). However, when I heard of the lies, and vile words my ex's partner used to describe my partner while out in the bars amongst people who are still common friends, acquaintances, and family, I felt an unexpected, and overwhelming sense of sadness and anger. How can someone claim to have loved a person, turn around and show such evil and remorseless aggression towards him?

I am not, of course, a neutral party or observer in this case. However, I only have my own experiences of my own breakup from my then boyfriend of nine years to compare this to. He did not want to break up, but I did. He loved me, and I loved him. However, I decided that I wanted more in my partner than he was willing and able to offer. We were also in an open relationship, and I was in a stage of my life where I craved a monogamous sexual and emotional partnership. We shared and owned a condo, shared furniture, and three dogs. Yes, the breakup was painful, and yes, we both spent long nights crying, depressed, and mourning the end of our relationship. However, because we respected, loved one another, and wanted to honor the life we had together, we worked together on an amicable breakup, while still living with each other. We still live together, he in his own bedroom, and me and my partner in ours. The three of us share chores, watch TV together sometimes, love our three dogs, and playfully pick on each other sometimes—although my partner and I probably pick on my ex a lot more about his endless stream of hookups coming in and out of his bedroom.

My point is, because there was love there, we made the break up work. I look at my partner’s ex, and I can tell there is no love there, and I honestly doubt that there ever was...well, at least not for my partner! While I can't claim to know the ex that well (or at all really), and I can't speak to how he was three, five, or ten years ago, I know from my interactions with him that he loves himself, and manipulates others around him to serve his own best interest, especially monetarily. He lies, cheats, and defames others around him so he can con himself into social circles he doesn’t belong to.

From the day my partner left him, and to this day, he continues to spread lies about us, defame us in public to friends and acquaintances, and attempts to poison my partner's parents against us. He has spent the last two years financially mooching off my partner in what I believe was an unjust divorce settlement that preyed on my partner's honest nature, and sense of guilt for asking to end the marriage. There were days when my partner literally did not have two pennies to rub together because he had enormous debt from the divorce, while his ex traveled to Vegas and Mexico for vacation; all the while asking my partner for more and more money. When my partner finally decided to take positive steps to rebuild his finances responsibly, his ex relaunched into vile, venomous attacks that speak only to his deceitful and connivingly evil nature.

Anyway, I digress! Yes, divorces can be ugly, and not everyone is as lucky as I was with my breakup. However, if the relationship/marriage was honest, and built on mutual love and respect, then the separation/divorce should also be grounded in the sincere desire to move on amicably and respectfully.

As the Supreme Court considers arguments against DOMA, and eventually overturns it (at least that's the hope); and as thousands of same-sex couples rush to tie the knot; I hope they take a pause and reflect on their partners, their relationships, and why they want to get married? Is it because of love? Or is it for show and to make a flashy social or political statement?

Whichever it is, I hope their partnership lasts a lifetime. But, if it does not, then I hope they can sincerely and respectfully separate, while wishing each other the best. That, and that they each have great divorce lawyers!

Superheroes and the Fall from Grace

Superheroes do not exist!

Most of us grew up either reading comic books about superheros like Superman, Spider-Man, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, or Batman. When these comic books were adapted into movies, we gathered in throngs to watch our superheroes, our saviors, immortalized on the silver screen. We idolized the actors that portrayed our childhood heroes, and were angered when they did not act like their screen alter egos.

In the leather community, we seem to be in love with the idea of superheroes. Over the years, we have devised contests to pick the sexiest among us, and elevate them to superhero levels. Each year around the country, leatherfolk gather to pick the one man to "represent the community" for a year. Each community picks their superhero based on physique, leather image, and charisma. We watch in awe as these men parade on stage in a bar, and ogle as they model their "superhero" outfits. Some do better than others, and we cheer, idolize, and worship them. Once picked, we sash them, parade them around, give them money to travel around the country, and fantasize about them. We make them our superheroes.

Once a year, we flock to a gathering of superheroes where one supreme superhero is chosen to represent us all for one year. There is a lot of pomp, romp, and circumstance surrounding this annual pilgrimage. As with the smaller contests, this supreme hero is chosen based on physique, leather image, and charisma. Contestants prepare for this event from the moment they are chosen by their individual communities. They work hard to perfect their bodies, and strive to come up with the right combination of reasons of why they want the coveted title. It can't be too idealistic, or the skeptics won't buy it; but it also can't be too realistic, or else the idealists won't believe it. Each contestant picks a topic near and dear to them to be their flagship cause. Same-sex marriage, HIV stigma, brotherhood, kink, leather history, world peas (no, that's not a typo!)

At the end of it all, a winner is selected! Our supreme superhero is chosen, and we celebrate by dancing, and fucking. Then we proceed to tear them all down.

As much as we are obsessed with elevating people to superhero status; we are just as obsessed, if not even more so, by chopping down the pedestal on which we elevated these men, and dragging them down the street for a public execution. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

It starts with the ones that did not win. They failed! They were fake superheros, they lied to us about how great they are. They failed us all, and they deserve to suffer our snark, and belittlement. "You didn't work out hard enough", "you were too fat", "your speech was terrible", "you were too young", "you were too sure of yourself"...etc.

For the one that won, the punishment for winning is even worse. He is now our supreme leader! He is divine, and will fly down and rescue us from despair. We wait, and wait, and wait for him to live up to our unrealistic expectations; and when he does not fly down from the sky with the Superman theme announcing his arrival, we collectively turn on him. It's a carnal scene; one which we relish and enjoy greatly.

We build our heroes up just so we can tear them down!

The majority survive this scathing ritual, and come out the other side stronger men, more confident of themselves, and stronger leaders. Others survive, but retreat back to their regular lives and harbor resentment for how they were treated by the very people that used to worship them.

There are also those who get so drunk on their superhero image that they never give up seeking adoration from the people around them. If they do not win one title, then they will compete for another. If they do not win that one, then they will compete for another, and another, and another, until the superhero becomes a super joke. Our "community" seems full of this particular kind of fallen superhero, and we see them everyday, either in person, or on Facebook. We pay them lip service to their face, or on their Facebook walls, then turn around and stab them in the back, laugh at them, and tear them down.

We create superheroes so we can watch them fail!

Through all the blame and finger pointing, we never seem to realize that the failure of these men to live up to our unrealistically high expectations is due to us. We elevate these men to statuses that they are incapable of living up to. We expect too much from the nymphomaniac who wants nothing else but to get laid. Why on earth would we be surprised when he doesn't do a single community service or fundraiser? We choose a large man as our superhero, but blame him when he doesn't shed a hundred pounds in five months and be competition ready. We select an older man as our superhero, but crack jokes when he gets a face lift once he realizes he will be competing against twenty or thirty-somethings for the ultimate superhero title.

We prey on people who are starving for acceptance and a community in which to belong; we embrace them, idolize them, project our own hopes, fantasies and dreams on them, and act surprised when they fail.

In a couple of months, the annual leather pilgrimage will take place. We will all gather to cheer, jeer, elevate, and tear down sixty or so men. As we do so, we should all try to remember that no matter how perfect their bodies or smiles may be...or how intelligent they may be....they are human beings, and they are flawed. They each have their own reason for coveting our affection, and seeking our approval. Some are incredible men, and some are narcissistic bastards and deserve to fall off the stage and break their faces. They come from all walks of life, and from all corners of the planet. They may accomplish many great things in their year; or they may accomplish nothing. We will love them, hate them, adore them, and despise them. At the end of the day we must remember that they are just like everybody else. They are not superheroes!