Leap of F****

I woke up today in a pretty reflective mood. To be honest, I am sick and tired of all this reflection, and just want to turn my brain off and just be. However,  I am a pretty brooding and contemplative person, and I can’t possibly deny myself that. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself after all. So, I write with the hopes of organizing these thoughts in my head, and trying to make sense of it all.

I can’t help but contemplate where I came from, and where I am going. I think of ten or fifteen years ago, and trace my progress all the way to sitting here writing this post. I took some pretty drastic leaps to get to where I am today. For a person who does not believe in a higher power, I think I took some pretty dramatic leaps of faith. Actually, I don’t think I had anything but hope, and the desire to accomplish something, or get myself to a certain place to guide me through the past fifteen years of my life. It’s brilliant that any of my grand plans worked, even though they didn’t go off without a hitch like I wanted them to.

In 1995, I was attending a private high school called Thebes (yes, it’s a pretty cliché name) on the outskirts of Cairo. It was built against rolling sand dunes, with no air conditioning, and nowhere to go if a student wanted to skip class and bum around. It was either class, or the blazoning hot sun, and the autocratic teachers that despised being there just like the students did.

It was a typical day just like any other. As I was leaving class for recess, I noticed a flier on the wall about going to the United States. I had never traveled out of Egypt before, and my only knowledge of the U.S. was gained through watching movies and the ever popular soap operas that played on TV. I grew up watching Falcon Crest, Knots Landing, and I am ashamed to admit, the Bold and the Beautiful too. The flier was for a program by the American Field Service (AFS), and advertized living with an American host family for an academic year while attending high school. Intrigued, and pretty excited about the possibility, I took the flier home and showed it to my father. As he always does in his doubtful and condescending way, my father told me to apply and see what happens.

I passed the English test, as well as the interview, and called my father on his promise to seriously consider sending me on the program. I found out that he didn’t think I really had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting accepted, and now had to eat his words. He met with the program administrators, and before we both knew it, he shelled out the $6000 program fee, and the idea became a reality. If I think about it, I must have been crazy or desperate at the time. Or, it could have been just one more step in the journey to find my place in life, and belong somewhere. I had never left Egypt, never traveled without my family except on a fieldtrip with school to Luxor in southern Egypt, and I didn’t even have a passport. 

The closer the program start date approached, the more I got nervous. I had no idea where I was placed in the US, or who my host family was. At the beginning of August the program called to ask if I was OK being placed with a divorced man with no children. Faced with an imminent start date, I said yes, and made the journey to Chicago with nothing but hope to guide me. It was a pretty drastic leap of faith.

The divorced guy turned out to me a complete asshole, and I did not last in his home for more than two weeks. My room was his office, and I slept on the sleeper sofa. He thought Egyptians slept on the floor in tents in the desert, and expected me to clean after his blind cat that pooped all over his condo. I was upset, and I was scared that leaving his home would mean I had to go back to Egypt in a proverbial flight of shame. But that did not happen! I complained to my program counselor, and expressed my disappointment and anger at my placement with a person I did not think should be hosting me, or anyone else for that matter.

A few days later I was moved to the home of a family that had hosted ten students before me. It was a temporary placement until the program found me a permanent home. As it turned out, I stayed in that home for the duration of the program. The elder couple sitting in the kitchen with a way-too-large table piled high with books would become my Mom and Dad for the next 15 years…well past the end date of my program.  They were the best thing that had ever happened to me, and they would continue to influence me for the second half of my life.

Fast forward to 2001, when once again I had to take a leap of faith that would change my life forever. I had just graduated collage with a BA in Political Science, and feeling around in the dark trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. At the same time, the police took it upon themselves to crack down on gays in Egypt, and prosecute them like murderers and terrorists. Friends and other acquaintances were arrested, thrown in jail, their names and addresses published in the papers, their lives destroyed, and their families disowned them. Gay men in Egypt lived day to day, looking over their shoulders, and wondering if they were going to be next. Teenage gay men chatting online were baited by undercover policemen, and arrested. Lives were destroyed, and families were decimated.

I remember calling my Mom and Dad on the phone to tell them what was happening in Cairo. I had come out to them three years earlier and they were more supportive than my biological family was (my father sent me to reparative therapy). A few days later, I received a FedEx envelope containing a plane ticket to Chicago. It was an invitation to take a leap of faith; to take a gamble and see what the future may hold. I sold some of my belongings, packed my suitcase, and came to Chicago with $500 in my pocket, and no plan. But, I had an incredible, loving, and supportive family that watched out over me, and guided me in my new path. I ended up seeking political asylum, and never returning to Egypt again.

Eleven years later, I am sitting here, reflecting on taking drastic leaps of faith that, while were not easy, I believe changed my life for the better. The truth is, we take leaps of faith every day, some larger than others. We have no way of knowing if the leaps we take will change our lives for the better, or bring us closer to happiness. Yet, we take these leaps, and live in the hopes that being true to our selves….going with our guts…or, if you will, a belief in a higher power, be it Jesus, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or Shiva will guide us and help us through. Faith is not a four letter word, yet sometimes we treat it as such. I can’t help but think that if I had not taken a leap of faith 15 years ago, I would have been dead by my own hands, or those of the police in Egypt. I can’t help but think that had I not taken a leap of faith, the amazing family I met in 1995 would have never come into my life, and I would have been much poorer for it. They influenced my life in ways that I could never have fathomed.

As I sit at yet another canyon in my life, I have nothing but faith guiding me. Faith in the idea that if I am true and honest with myself, then I am on the right path…wherever it pay lead!!

On Loss and Belonging!!

I’ve been thinking about the concept of “belonging” for some time now. It is a thought that comes to mind several times a year actually, but this time it has visited me for longer than usual, and is overstaying it’s welcome like a an enormous, and gluttonous relative, staying on my couch, consuming my food.

I have always struggled to belong, whether it was to a community, to a family, or to a group of friends. The thought of belonging recently visited me as I made my weekly treks back and forth, to and from Chicago to visit my boyfriend. This has been the routine for the past several months, and while I have become accustomed to my semi-gypsy lifestyle, and living out of a suitcase for the weekend, it has been compounded by the feelings of loss—of the familiar warm of the 9 year relationship that just ended, and the increased feeling of loss of family; my natural family, my American family that has struggled to keep it’s cohesion after Mom died (at least from where I am standing), and the loss of my “in-laws” whom I considered my family for the past 9 years even though we only saw each other over the holidays, and exchanged gifts that ended up in their garage, re-gifted, or in the bottom of my closet.

Two weeks ago, while sleeping on the bus on the way to Iowa for my weekly trek, I received a call from my mother. It has been a while since we talked (I believe it must have been a month or so), and my mother started the conversation playfully admonishing me for not calling her. She wasn’t completely being playful of course. One thing my mother is really good at is covering passive aggression with humor. Sometimes she just downright drops the passivity, and just uses humor and laughter to cover her aggression and disappointment. At 62 years old, I can understand her disappointment in the fact that I do not call her often. It is bad enough that I have been disappointing her for the past I-don’t-know however many years since I had the capacity to disappoint. But I just had to up n’go 11 odd years ago, and never return.

We talked about all that is happening in Egypt, and the upcoming elections. She had been on my case about getting the newly issued government ID card, and I have been blowing her off for the past several years. She asked me what I thought of what was going on, and I expressed my views, but also said I had no intention of voting. The government had recently allowed Egyptians living abroad to vote in local elections—the first such action to ever take place. So, Egyptians abroad have all been gung-ho about voting, except me. I then said something I had never vocalized ever before; I told my mother, it is not my fight. Even as I type these words right now, tears are welling up in my eyes. It is how I feel, and I am incredibly sad about it.

Growing up in Egypt, I had often fantasized about this moment in Egyptian history. A vivid

memory I have is of sitting in a car, heading east on Cairo’s 6^th of October Bridge, passing by the Cairo Museum of Antiquities, and having this random thought or fantasy about overthrowing Mubarak, and leading the country through the path to democracy. I couldn’t have been more than 12 at the time. After living a year in the United States when I was 16, and returning to Cairo for college, I even fantasized about toppling the Mubarak regime, and adopting a U.S. style constitution that would allow Egyptians the same freedoms and liberties afforded to my now adopted country.

It is now not my fight, and it makes me sad. I have lived in Chicago now for close to 11 years. I haven’t been back to Egypt since. I saw my family only once since leaving, and that was 6 years ago, in Paris for five days. It was one of the most bizarre and stressful five days I have experienced with my family, and it ruined my Parisian experience (I still need a Paris do-over!). After living an open life in Chicago for five years, I spent five days back in the closet, and I hated every moment of it. I loved seeing my mother, sister, my then one year old nephew, and it was good to see my father. But I longed to go back home…to Chicago, where I can be myself again, with my American family, and my boyfriend of two years.

A lot has happened since that week in Paris. Yet, it seems that a lot of things have not changed. My mother asked me what was new in my life, and I could not tell her. When I talked to my mother on the phone, I often think of Anne Bancroft in Torch Song Trilogy. The scene in the cemetery after Arnold buried his partner. She yells, “you cheated me out of your life, then blame me for not being there!” That is how I often define my relationship with my mother.  What is new in my life? How about, I am on a bus, heading to see my boyfriend, who I have been seeing for the past few months, and I love him so much it hurts. I have recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 9 years; the man I own property with, and have loved and taken care of, and thought I would grow old and decrepit with. How about, I need a hug Mama, and I feel lost, and I don’t know what to do, and I could really use some solid motherly advice, and to hear you say everything is going to be OK? How about, telling me I am doing the right thing…or challenge me to think about my actions?

But that is neither here nor there, and I just solider on. I feel like a complete stranger sometimes; and recently, a lot of the time, even though I have made this place my home. Over the past four years, my then boyfriend and I bought a beautiful two bedroom condo together, and have spent our time, money, and energy making it into a stylish and welcoming home. I look around now, and despite the warm and welcoming Douglas-Fir adorned with warm Christmas lights, and natural ornaments that we made together, it feels like a shell of its old glory. We still live together, and have separate bedrooms now. The mere act of separating rooms, while necessary, is a constant reminder of the failure of what was supposed to be a lifetime together. I spent almost 9 of the 11 years living here defining myself as part of this relationship. It was by no means a perfect partnership, and we, like everyone else, have had our ups and our down. We have had our issues, and we have struggled with infidelities, insecurities, love, and pain.  At the end of the day, he was my family, and my home. His family was also my family, and as we wade through the breakup, I can’t help but mourn the loss of my place in that family. I haven’t seen them in two years or so, but their presence in the background of my life was…reassuring! They relied on me, and still do it seems, to give them the skinny on what is happening in my ex’s life, since he is terrible at communicating with them. He is terrible at communicating, period. As we live together, I feel like I have to struggle with this lack of communication, since, as he put it, he doesn’t have the obligation to work on his communication now that we are not in a relationship any more. In a way, I feel like I am living in wake...that I am constantly in visitation mode of the open casket that is our dead relationship; and I am administering CPR to a corpse.

As I prepare to purchase my weekend bus ticket, I can’t help but think that I am living in purgatory on so many levels. I leave the home that I have built, to go be with my boyfriend, who also has left the home he has built, and is living in a home he doesn’t particularly like. I leave that at the end of the weekend, to go back to the home I have here, and to my job, which despite being good at it, is not that interesting; and I spend the days counting down to being back on the bus. The highlight of it all is being with my boyfriend. I feel home with him, despite our recent struggles, and the obstacles we have to overcome to be together. But, I then have to leave him at the end of the weekend, and come back to the home that is a shadow of what it used to be.

There are a lot of muddled thoughts in this post. I talk about Egypt, family, and boyfriends. I am conscious of the fact that I haven’t fully developed each thought completely. It is overwhelming to think of it all; but these thoughts rush through my mind on a daily basis. I struggle with the feelings of belonging and of loss…I lost a big part of me when I came to the realization that the struggles in Egypt are not mine anymore. I struggle with the feelings of belonging and loss when I wake up in the morning at home, faced with the relationship that I ended. I struggle with the feelings of belonging and loss when I get on the bus at the end of the weekend. I long to end this tenure in purgatory, and to find my path home where I belong.

The Epic Tale of Prince Für Bubble

Our prince had a funny name; one that gained him notoriety, and in some instances caused him great anguish and ridicule. Price Heinz Für Bubble was born to King Für Bubble , and a peasant, simple woman after a secret love affair his father had during his legendary conquests in the Southlands. At first, the King tried to keep the Prince a secret and hide him away from public. No one knew of the Prince’s existence, and he never bonded with his mother or his father. Unfortunately, that also meant that he had no friends, and as he grew older, he found that he was unable to interact with the people around him. In fact, the young monarch preferred long strolls by himself in the woods, and being surrounded by nature.

As he grew older in years, King Für Bubble was anxious for a son to take on his name and his kingdom. All his wives had failed to bear him any children. It became apparent to the King that he must acknowledge his son, and only heir, Prince Heinz Für Bubble. In one fell swoop, Prince Heinz was plucked from obscurity, taken away from his isolation in the country, and brought to the King’s court, as his only son and future King. In an elaborate ceremony, Prince Heinz was paraded down the streets, dressed in the finest silks, and surrounded by servants and guards. He was escorted to the palace, where he walked to his father’s throne, kissed his father’s ring, and kneeled in front of him. King Für Bubble looked at his son whom he had not seen since he was an infant, and felt nothing. Unfortunately, he did not have a choice, and time was not on his side. He was stuck with Prince Heinz, the heir to his throne and the keeper of his legacy. King Für Bubble stood up, and announced to his court, “I present to you, my heir, your future King, Heinz Für Bubble”.

Now, being an outsider, and not fully of royal blood, Prince Heinz did not have an easy transition into royal life. Despite being the heir to the throne, Prince Heinz was teased, and constantly reminded of his peasant mother. He was called names, and was constantly referred to as Prince Hiney, a cross between Heinz, and Highness. It was bad enough having a name like Für Bubble, but now he was Prince Hiney Für Bubble.

Of course this was a magical, and quite unusual kingdom. There were people, but also magical creatures, and they all lived side by side in relative harmony. It was not unusual for humans and magic-folk to marry and live together. Since this was obviously an inclusive society, gay and straight people and magic-folk were also welcomed and accepted. In general this inclusivity allowed everyone to live in harmony with one another. This also meant that as ruler, King Für Bubble had to include magic folk in his court. The easiest and most traditional way to do this was to marry a magic creature from the kingdom. This was very unfortunate news for Prince Hiney and his future as King.  One of the first things his father insisted on was that his son choose a mate.

In the first few weeks in the palace, it became apparent to everyone that Prince Hiney Für Bubble was gay. This was not an issue for most people, but it brought King Für Bubble great sorrow, and caused him distress. The worst part of it all was that the gay magic creature population was not that large. So, Prince Hiney’s choices were quite limited. Worst still was that his father took it upon himself to choose Prince Hiney’s mate. It was a purely political decision, and designed to keep the peace in the kingdom, and the magic folk happy. After some consideration, King Für Bubble decided that his son would marry the King’s long trusted advisor and confidant, a satyr named Agamemnon.

The courtship between Prince Hiney Für Bubble and Agamemnon was unusual. As Prince Hiney grew up without a father figure, it was easy for Agamemnon to take on that role, as well as the role of his future husband. Agamemnon was the father, advisor, and controller of decisions. The wedding was lavish, elaborate, and celebrated for days by people, satyrs and other magic folks all over the kingdom. It was a fairytale wedding fit for a fairytale kingdom.

Throughout it all Prince Hiney Für Bubble was happy, but also melancholy. He always felt like an outsider, and he longed to walk back in the forest, barefoot and free. He missed the sound of birds singing, the gentle breeze on his cheeks, and the rustling of the leaves in the woods. Following the wedding, he took the opportunity that Agamemnon was away with King Für Bubble and went back to his old home, a cottage on the edge of the forest.

At sunrise, Prince Hiney Für Bubble left the cottage, and entered the forest to enjoy a long walk. He walked a few feet, closed his eyes, felt the breeze brush against his body and took a long, and deep breath. Intoxicated from the refreshing country air, Prince Hiney staggered, and started to fall back. He was overwhelmed and started to cry. Grasping for something to brace his fall, Prince Hiney reached behind him, and yanked at the first object his hands reached. He heard a loud growl, and he immediately jumped with fear and alarm.

Prince Hiney looked around with alarm at the source of the growl. His eyes immediately fell on a creature that can only be described as a serpent. He had a long curved neck, a thick body, and skin that was smooth, golden, and glistening in the early morning light. The serpent, despite his intimidating size, had a kind face. He was not growling anymore, but was staring intently at Prince Für Bubble with kind, piercing eyes.

The connection between them was instant and undeniable. Prince Für Bubble was drawn to the serpent, walked up to him, and caressed his neck. He looked him in the eye, and asked his name. The serpent said he did not have one, and told Prince Für Bubble that he is welcome to choose one for him. After thinking long and hard about a name, and since the serpent reminded the prince of the magical and illusive Loch Ness Monster, he decided to call the serpent Nessy.

Prince Für Bubble and Nessy walked in the forest and talked for hours. The prince recounted his story to Nessy, and his burden as future king. Nessy listened and comforted the prince, and empathized with his plight. Prince Für Bubble also confided in Nessy about his feelings about Agamemnon. While he respected him, he really did not love him, and did not want to be married to him. He felt trapped and did not know what he can do. Nessy listened intently, and reminded Prince Für Bubble that he is the future king, and the master of his own destiny. As a ruler, he is responsible for his people and for their wellbeing. But, how can he rule his people if he cannot control his own destiny.

Nessy was a wise and magical creature. He had traveled from a far away land where people did not take kindly to magical creatures and his kin were slaughtered. He had escaped with the help of kind and loving people in Prince Für Bubble’s kingdom and lived a reclusive life in the forest. He knew firsthand what it feels like to not have control of one’s life, and the sacrifices that one must make in order to move a few steps closer to happiness. As a magical creature he had the ability to share part of himself with others. Nessy took Prince Für Bubble’s hands, and placed them on his body. With all his might, Nessy transferred part of his will, strength, and his spirit to Prince Für Bubble. It was all Nessy could do help the prince in his quest to find happiness.

It was dark when they finally stopped talking. They were both tired, but they did not want to leave each other’s side. Prince Für Bubble climbed on top of Nessy and he rode him all night long until they reached the cottage, just as the sun was rising. It was the dawn of a new day, and Prince Für Bubble knew that he must return to the palace  and face Agamemnon. He must take control and take his place as future king and ruler of his Kingdom. He was going to take Nessy back with him. They were forever connected, and their bonds would never be broken. Their future was strong, and bright, and they were going to rule it together.

This is the epic tale of a prince and his loving relationship with a mysterious and magical creature. It is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are all imaginary, and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

On Finding God!!

I am not a religious man, that much has been a constant fact in my life for the past fifteen years. Until I found God…

When I wake up and look at you lying next to me, I know I have found God.

When I gaze into your beautiful green eyes in the morning, I know I have found God.

When you reach over and touch my face, and run your fingers across my chest, I know I have found God.

I look at your body; your perfectly sculpted muscles, the fur covering your chest, your muscular legs, and your muscular back, and I know I have found God.

I listen to you speak, and say “good morning baby”, and I know I am the luckiest man in the world to wake up next to you. It is a gift from God!

I look back at where my life has been before I met you, and I know that it was all a journey designed by God to find you.  I think of this child in his school uniform, sitting in a hot classroom on the edge of the pyramids, feeling lost, like he does not belong, and I know my life was destined to be different.

I think of my summer vacations watching American movies on TV, and practicing my English, while the rest of the neighborhood kids rode their bicycles outside, and I know that it was all practice for a greater purpose.

I remember my journey here as a teenager, away from my family, on my first foray into independence; and I know that it was the first step in the quest to find you.

I recall the struggles I faced as a young adult, finding my way in the world, learning to speak my mind, and discovering my inner voice. It was all part of a greater plan…a grand design!

It was through the depth of the darkness of my toughest hours, when I resigned to end my life, that I heard your voice…a hint from God to stay strong, and continue on my journey.

I’ve been living my life, the “American Dream” for the past ten years, getting swept away in this arduous existence, and forgetting my purpose. God had forgotten about me, it seemed. Or, perhaps He was just testing me to see if I was strong enough, and worthy enough for you.

I questioned my existence several times in the past years. My parents always said that I should strive to make a difference in the world; that I was special, and should not settle for an ordinary life. They believed that a person’s life is measured by his accomplishments and the impact he makes in the world. I questioned my worth, and my purpose in the wake of these beliefs, and struggled to hold on to the knowledge that God had a higher purpose for me.

I almost gave up over and over, and over again. Yet, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I knew that I was being sustained by a higher power for a reason. I had no idea what that reason was, or how long my journey was going to be.

Until I finally met you…

I look at you and I know that God exists, and that my whole life has been a journey. I was set on a path that began at birth to find you. This adventure called life was nothing but a road map leading to this moment in time when our souls unite.

You have reignited my belief in God. Your physical beauty is a testament to the existence of a higher power. Your magnificent soul is proof that the creator exists, and is a part of you. When you sing, your voice pulls at my heart strings, and I believe with all my being in the divine.

When I look at you, I am filled with incredible joy. When I gaze into your eyes, I am filled with astounding beauty. When you hold me in your arms, my soul is filled with love.

Indeed, you do exist, and I am lucky to have you in my life.

I worship you!!

Aunty Mood!

My Aunty Mood visited me this weekend. It was a very unexpected, and I have to say quite an unpleasant visit as well. Aunty Mood does not visit me often, and when she does, it is always an exercise in patience, and a challenge to control my temper. Since we don’t see each other often, when Aunty Mood visits we always have to rehash things from her last visit, and I have to recount everything that took place since I last saw her.

Aunty Mood has a very strong presence in my family. She is revered by both sides, yet no one wants to claim her. As a matter of fact, I am not entirely sure if she’s from my father or mother’s side of the family. Sometimes, during one of Aunty Mood’s unexpected visits, I look at her and I could swear that she is from my mother’s side of the family. On these visits you could tell her temper is just lurking beneath the surface, and she looks at you like she is about to slit your throat, or suck your blood. She reminds me a lot of my mother when she is angry, or that one time my grandmother beat me with her flip flops all over my body and head because I did something extremely stupid; I was eight years old. But, I digress! Other times, Aunty Mood visits and I can see my father in her. It is as if they are twins, or are cut from the same cloth. In times like these, Aunty Mood is cool, calm, and collected. She stares at you with steel blue cold eyes. Her words are calculated, logical, and sting like frost bite in a blizzard. I dread these visits because you know Aunty Mood aims below the belt, and she knows exactly how to get you…and she gets you real good!!

It is not all fire and brimstone though! Sometimes Aunty Mood is in a playful state of mind. She will drop by and just joke around. I am always fascinated by how she can still makes jabs at me (the same jabs that if she were in a foul mood would sting), but can make them fun and playful at the same time when she is in a good mood. These comments are not hurtful, but they still ring loud and clear. It is times like these when Aunty Mood reminds me of an old drag queen. You know she can cut you down where you stand with one strike of her stuck on nails; yet she does not. She scratches the surface, just enough to leave a mark, but leaves you unharmed. Her jokes are funny, but they still leave you reflecting about the truth behind them. You laugh, but you also wonder what would have happened if Aunty Mood was not feeling so playful that day.  You breathe deeply, wipe the sweat from your brow, and mutter to yourself, “oh, it’s just my Aunty Mood. What can you do?!”

This last visit, however, I could not really tell what state of mind Aunty Mood was in. When she first dropped by, unannounced I might add, I scrambled to prepare for her. She was all smiles, and very pleasant that I almost wondered if she was drunk or high, or something. I couldn’t really gauge if I should sit with her, or duck for cover. It became clear that she was planning on staying for a couple of days, and that I would have to work my weekend plans around her. This was not so bad at first as it seemed she was in a playful and fun mood. And when Aunty Mood is playful, you better play along and hope for the best! Her attitude was mild, and her jokes were surprisingly funny. Even her jabs were not too jabby, and her taunts were not too taunty. I was thanking the gods that my Aunty Mood was fun to be around...the first time this has happened in a long time!

The situation quickly changed the next day, and Aunty Mood, after a pleasant morning, turned into a raging dragon intent on turning everyone in its path into a flaming marshmallow. She smiled, but it was a razor sharp upturn of her lips that sent ice cold chills down your back. She laughed, but the edge was so jagged and shrill that it stung your very soul, and left you longing for death.  When she gazed at you with her penetrating eyes, you saw your life flash in front of you, and you saw your desolate future crumble in front of you.  All this was still tolerable, and not a completely foreign occurrence…but, then she finally erupted!!

When Aunty Mood erupts, she makes that volcano in Iceland with the name no one can spell, or pronounce look like a fine spring day. Aunty Mood’s ash cloud not only covers your body, but it penetrates your soul and turns it into a desolate and hollow void in the center of your being. When Aunty Mood shouts, your entire past, present, and future tremble, and you long for the protection of your mother’s womb, or the comfort of your future coffin. No sound proof box can contain the shrill of her voice, and her shattering words that engulf everything in its path. Luckily, her eruption didn’t last very long this time around. It was fifteen minutes of excruciating duck-and-cover. I was in both shock, and in awe of the might of Aunty Mood’s wrath. In the end, I was glad my life was spared, and the hurricane passed, leaving sunny skies in its wake.

Aunty Mood finally left, and my world returned to normal. I felt like celebrating, but in the back of my mind I did not want to rejoice too much so as not to tempt her into coming back. In reflecting back at the weekend, I will have to admit that I do love my Aunty Mood…sometimes! She keeps life interesting, and she reminds me of how truly lucky and blessed I am that I do not see her that often. It is visits like these by Aunty Mood that remind me of how beautiful the world is, and that life is simply as complicated as we choose to make it. I do not know how Aunty Mood came to be who she is today. I really don’t want to know either. I am just glad that she doesn’t grace me with her presence often.

Until next time, Aunty Mood!!

Insecures Anonymous

Names, characters, places, and incidents are all imaginary, and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Ahmad: Hello,  my name is Ahmad, and this is my first meeting!

In unison:  Hello Ahmad, welcome.

Moderator: Welcome Ahmad to your first meeting. We generally go around the room, and allow each one to talk about themselves, and why they believe they are so insecure, and how they compensate or cope with it. Since you are new, we can have you go last. The rules are simple; be honest, be respectful, do not interrupt…but passive aggressive eye rolling, or body posture is allowed. I mean, we’re not perfect, and the least we can do is judge each other silently. Again, welcome, and we are pleased to have you!

So, let’s begin! Who would like to go first?

Josh: I’ll go, first. Hello, my name is Josh, and I am an insecure…or am I? I don’t know, sometimes I think I am fine, and it’s people around me who just have to deal with how great I am. But other times I just get so lonely, and so upset that no one is giving me attention and I just…you know…I, I…I…what am I trying to say?! I guess, I just can’t help but put myself out there in order to cover up my vulnerabilities and feelings of insecurities. So, I travel a lot, right? Awesome…I mean, I love it! I love being able to just hook up with guys everywhere I go. I have friends all over the country, and I know I can fuck any of them any time I travel. It’s awesome really. I guess if I have to be completely honest, I would say  that’s how I deal with my insecurities. I need to sleep with as many guys as possible in order to feel validated, and make sure that people really like me. I have so many great friends…they’re more than friends, really; they are more like my family. But I feel like if I don’t fuck them, that our relationship is not that important. I guess I know it’s wrong, but that’s just how I deal with it, I guess.

Moderator: Alright then! Thank you Josh. Everyone, please just keep your feedback to yourself for now. I noticed several eye rolls as Josh was talking; but remember, we are all insecure, and show it in different ways. Who wants to go next?

Greg: Alright, I guess I will try to follow horn dog over here! My name is Greg, and I am an insecure. I am insecure because the world does not recognize how smart I am. I have been mistreated and unappreciated in my work, and I just don’t think they value the caliber of work that I do for them. I like things in order, and I like people to do things the way I want, in the order I want them. I make lists all the time for things I want done, and I call or email it to people. I find that I keep things in check better that way. I’ve lost relationships that way, but it is ultimately not my fault. I think if people appreciated me more, they would realize that what I am doing is best, and they should just try and show some appreciation for what truly a great person I am. But, unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, so I deal with my insecurities, and people’s ineptitude by drinking. I think drinking helps me loosen up. I look forward to it all day actually. It helps me relax, and really express myself the way I want to. I look forward to that drink all day long. I want to go to the bar, and order my first drink ,and just relish the taste. I immediately feel my body calm down, and my tongue loosen up. I like telling people around me how I really feel about them. Perhaps it is easier for them to hear it when I am drunk. I don’t know…half the time I don’t really remember what I said the night before; but I still feel better that I said it. But, who cares, right? As long as it makes me feel better. That’s how I deal with my life!! 

Moderator: Thank you, Greg. That was fascinating. I think we got some good eye rolls going there too. Who wants to go next?


Andrew: I’ll go. Hello y’all…my name is Andrew, but everyone can just call me Andy, and I am an insecure. I have a pretty good life! I actually love my life. I have a big house, fancy cars, and a loving partner. Both of us are very lucky to have amazing friends and family around us. I love him, and our life together. But, I still can’t shake the urge to be validated by other people. I guess that’s where my insecurity comes in. I’m a Facebook addict, and I can’t help but post pictures and updates about myself several times a day. People just lap it up. They love my pictures and my posts. I feel like people adore us…heck, they probably envy us, and just want to be us, or part of my family. I have a big heart, and I would open up my home to everyone to enjoy me and my husband. I feel like posting pictures of myself all day is the least I could do. I love seeing my body in the mirror, and I love posting the pictures for people to enjoy. I mean, why would I deprive people of this?  Okay, okay…I know I sound full of myself. I guess if I have to drop the bullshit, I would have to admit that I am afraid of not being noticed. I am afraid of just being a regular person like everybody else. I look in the mirror and I don’t see what people see in me. I know they see a body, but do they really see ME? But I guess if they only see a body, it’s better than not seeing anything at all, right? I don’t want to grow old and just wither away. I want people to notice me. I want people to cut through my walls…the façade that I put up, and really get to know me. Perhaps the pictures and posts that I put online are my invitation to people to notice me and lean closer and try to get to know me. I am a sex object, I get that. I am fine with that. I guess I perpetuate that…but who wants to know Andy?! I guess my photo addiction is how I deal with my insecurities.

Moderator: Thank you, Andy!! You really topped the lot here with all the eye rolls going back and forth. I would suggest you and Josh touch base after the meeting. It may do both of you some good…or, on second thought, better not. Don’t do that!! Who’s next? Todd, want to go?

Todd: I’d really rather not…but sure! Hello, my name is Todd, and I am an insecure. I am usually very quiet, and I hate talking to people. I am here because my boyfriend…well, I guess my ex-boyfriend suggested that it may do me some good to get a bit of support for my insecurity issues. It may help me put myself out there more and meet people. I meet people fine online, but generally just to have sex. I guess I identify with Josh here a little bit. Sex makes me feel good, and makes me feel special and wanted by others. I don’t have many friends, and I generally don’t like large crowds or talking to people. I don’t have to talk during sex. I can just smoke some pot, and go at it. They can leave, or cuddle for a bit, then leave, no questions asked, and no drama. I guess I use sex to cover my discomfort with myself and my past. I am a loner…I prefer the company of my pets than people. I like to sit in the sun with my dogs, reading a book, texting, or chatting with people online. I don’t like the way I look. I think I am too skinny, and my ass is too small. I actually hate people seeing me naked. I like having sex in the dark, or when the light is really dim. That is the only way I can be comfortable. I love the bathhouse because the light is dim, and you don’t actually have to talk to anyone. Just get in, get off, go home. What else should I say? Let’s see….I love my job, I guess. I like to travel, and I like watching movies. I guess I don’t see a problem with how I am. That’s just how it is! I don’t like to talk to people, and I plug that hole in my life with having sex. It makes me feel good and validates my life. So, I guess sex is how I deal with my insecurities. It blocks me from connecting with people. It keeps me safe inside my head.  

Moderator: Thank you Todd for sharing your thoughts. Les, I see you’re practically sitting on your hands and biting your tongue. Maybe you want to go next?

Les: Oh sure…finally!! Hello, my name is Les, and I am an insecure. I am extroverted and I like to talk and mingle with people over drinks, hooking up, or talking about my life, and my art work. As you may have heard, I am a graphic artist. I am really good actually, and my work has been used by several organizations. I love telling people about the great work that I produce. I mean, it makes me feel good for me to be contributing to all these causes that I care so much about. I love it when I get to talk on stage about the amazing work I do to help these causes. It makes me feel so fulfilled. But, I guess, deep down I am so insecure about myself, and want to be validated. If I am going to be honest, I think I deal with my insecurities by bashing other people. While I don’t do it maliciously, I do find it is easier to just criticize how people do things, or what they say, than to quietly reflect, or to look at my own life. I don’t want to think about the issues I have in my life. I am almost forty years old, but I feel like my life hasn’t been very fulfilling. I am resentful about a lot of things, but I hate to just sit there and talk about them, or analyze them. It’s just so much easier to talk shit about other people. I mean, look at all of you here. Jesus fucking Christ, you all are just yappy and bitching about sex. I have sex all the time. In fact, I love to take pictures of myself having sex with guys, and showing them to my friends. If they don’t like it, fuck ‘em…I probably already did. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not so perfect…but I think I’m pretty close. My insecurity is just part of me being the artist and great designer that I am. I don’t see much of a problem with it though. Aren’t we all insecure? If you are so insecure and upset about me talking shit about you, then stay home!

Moderator: Wow, well, thank you for that Les. That was, well, very insightful. So, Ahmad, do you want to go next?

Ahmad: Oh, alright, sure. Thank you everyone for speaking and sharing your feelings. It makes me feel better actually hearing everyone’s thoughts. Oh, I guess, I should start by saying, hello, I am Ahmad, and I am an insecure. Wow, it does make me feel better admitting it in public like this. I guess I would describe myself as an extrovert. I love being around people, and I love listening to people talk, and share their thoughts and feelings. I am insecure I guess, because I usually prefer that people talk about themselves than for me to talk about myself. Growing up I aspired to be like my older, and only sister, and to prove myself worthy of my parents’ love and affection. My father is a very driven man, and instilled in me the idea that my life has to mean something, and that I must contribute something to others. So, I guess I am always struggling with the feeling that I am not good enough. I am never satisfied with my accomplishments, and never happy with my work. I can always do better! I think I identify a little bit with each and every one of you. I went through my sexual rampage too. Actually, I think Josh and I met before. I’ve seen you play out in the bar, I think! I used sex to make myself feel better, valued, and desired. I also post pictures of myself on Facebook…but in spurts I guess. But then again, I don’t have a body like yours, Andy!! I like to write, and may be even think I am a creative person, but I don’t think I am that good. I hate what I write, and generally cannot take a compliment. I don’t know!! I guess the older I get, the more comfortable I feel about who I am becoming as a person…but I am still unsure about that level of comfort. I am insecure about my worthiness of love, and of affection. I want to be better, but I am afraid to piss people off in the process of bettering myself. I think I deal with it by putting barriers around myself and making it difficult for people to know me. I protect myself from being hurt by other people, or being vulnerable with others. I am afraid to disappoint those around me, and therefore put up barriers that prevent them from knowing who I truly am. That is how I deal with my insecurities.

Moderator: Thank you, Ahmad! Thank you all for sharing your thoughts as well. I invite you to continue this dialogue amongst yourselves, and to invite your friends who may feel insecure to join us and share their stories too.

Not So Perfect Love Story...and It Doesn't Have to Be!!

I stood in the doorway looking at him, angry, naked, throwing pillows and bedding against the wall, and yelling, "what do you want from me asshole?! I went through all this shit and you dare get self righteous with me? Mother Fucker!!"

I walked in the room, blurry eyed from the tears welling up in my eyes, slowly stepping forward with trembling legs, and sat on the side of the bed. He said, now on his knees, on the floor and punching the wall, "my life was supposed to get better, and it has just gotten worse. When is it supposed to get better?!"

He turned and looked at me, and I said, "I don't know! All I know is that I love you, and I can't imagine my life without you. I don't want to lose you!" He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and said "I love you so much, I love you so much...I only know that I love you. That’s all I know!"

We sat there crying and embracing, rocking back and forth. I held him, and felt him pressing against my body, as I closed my eyes and my mind raced back to when we first met, and I played it all back in my mind.

...how did we get here?

You know that feeling when you first meet someone, get swept off your feet and fall madly in love? Neither did I; and I never thought I would experience that kind of love. I mean, we’ve all seen it in a movie, or read it in a book, but how many of us can say we have truly experienced it? The kind of stupid, ridiculous love that Stephanie Meyer writes about, that exists between exotic pale sparkly vampires, and brooding dumbass teenagers is supposed to be the stuff of fiction. The kind of love that makes it seem like nothing else matters in the world. After all, love is a chemical reaction and is not supposed to defy logic and make grown men act like complete buffoons.  

When I first met him, I was volunteering in a leather contest, and he was one of many contestants vying for a title. In all honesty, neither of us noticed each other, and I didn’t even interact with him until the second day. We talked when he asked me if I had a blue sharpie to cover a scuff on his blue leather jock. I spent a good amount of time convincing him that no one would even notice it on stage. However, in what I know is his true style now, I noticed him talking to the bootblack a few minutes later and trying to buff out the scuff anyway. He was attractive, but disconnected, flirtatious, yet guarded. There was an invisible fortress surrounding him, and I was too busy and distracted to try to scale it, or explore why it was there in the first place.

The contest ended, and I went about my life and work. However, in the world of social media, I decided to reach out to all the contestants that gave me their cards. I friended many on Facebook, and also sent him a note telling him it was a pleasure helping him during the contest. I forgot all about him, and never gave it a second thought, until out of the blue he sent me a message back, and we started chatting, and flirting online. It was the same old online flirting that most gay, and particularly leather men do. But with him, the conversation took a turn, and we started discussing our lives and relationships. We would chat for hours, and eventually progressed to talking on the phone. Where was this going? What was this all about? It was the beginning of a friendship I thought. He was a nice guy, and he needed someone to talk to, confide in, to be his friend, and to listen to him. We decided that I would go visit him, and we would play and just have fun. I would meet his husband, and just enjoy a weekend with them.

The moment I laid eyes on him I felt an instant connection, and a desire to hold him, and tell him that everything is going to be okay. There was sadness in his beautiful eyes that was very poignant, and captivating. The invisible fortress was there, but I could reach right through it, and I could feel his soul struggling, and his heart heavy with anger and fear.

I also met his husband! A short, stocky man, with beady eyes and not an ounce of sincerity or authenticity about him. We went out to dinner, and then to the local bar where both men proceeded to argue and threaten each other with violence. There was so much anger and hatred surrounding them that all I wanted was to walk away and go back home. Yet, I looked at him and I could not move; my legs were frozen, and all I wanted to do was to shelter him, and give him as much strength as I could muster so he can fight back, speak up, and be the person that I know he hungered and starved to be for so many years. The night ended soon after, and we went to their home to bed.

I call it the Day the Earth Stood Still. Yes, I know it is not a very creative name, and it evokes images of aliens taking over the world. But, it is also the day that he emancipated himself, and took the reins of his own life. I remember the afternoon as vividly as if it just happened a few hours ago. We were standing in the bathroom, and I could sense his energy shift. I could sense that something was wrong, but I could not decipher what it was. Later that night he told me that at that moment he was looking around and had an epiphany. At that point in time he realized that his marriage was over and that he did not want to be in the place he called home. It was no longer his home, and he had to move on.

He made this revelation a few hours after he decided to leave his husband, and I helped him. We were laying on a hard bed, in a dated and crummy hotel room, with blinking florescent lighting, and kitsch art on the walls. We were laying there contemplating the events that happened that day, and holding each other. Thinking about that night brings tears to my eyes, and makes my heart beat faster. I remember telling him “you are beautiful, you are beautiful, you are beautiful” and making him repeat it over, and over, and over again. We slept holding each other, exhausted, and wondering what the next day will bring.

I left the next day after I made sure he had a place to stay, and friends to support him. I left, but I could not stay away. I drove back the following day…460 miles roundtrip to have dinner with him and see him again. I knew then that I loved him, and that my life would never be the same again!

This happened exactly four months ago, today. Both his world, and mine has changed. He is divorced now, and I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of almost 9 years. We do not know what the future will bring; but despite all the struggles, and all the turmoil, all I know is that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone…and that he loves me with the same intensity.


"My life was supposed to get better, and it has just gotten worse. When is it supposed to get better?!"


It has gotten better...my life is so much richer since I have met him. I used to think that love alone was not enough, but I have been proven wrong. It is not a perfect love story, but it is my love story. He is the man I love, and the only one I see. He is my perfect love story!!